Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Confirmed: Bo The Dog Ordered Bin Laden Raid

According to CNN (Communist News Network): National Security Council Spokesman Tommy Vietor added, "I look forward to when Miniter claims that Bo the dog actually made the decision to kill bin Laden." Bo is the Obama family's dog.

This is practically a confirmation of what we had long been suspecting. Almost as bad as the well known fact that it was Bill Clinton's cat Socks that ordered the botched bombing raid on the Chinese embassy in Belgrade.

Leading from behind on a leash????

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Obama Conspiracy to Cancel Republican Convention!

It's already an established fact that President Obama ordered the National Weather Service to make up a hurricane in order to disrupt the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. Of course the Republican bosses played into his hands by locating their convention right on Main Street in Hurricane City, USA at the peak of hurricane season.  Not a smart move - and proof again that Sarah Palin's idea to hold the convention in Coldfoot, Alaska along with the Iditarod Dogsled Race may have been a better choice.

Well all well and good - except this is not good enough for Nobama! He is now ordering the National Bureau of Standards to set the National Atomic Clock three days AHEAD. That's right tomorrow morning we will all wake up and it will be FRIDAY and everyone will be wondering "I guess I forgot to turn on the Republican Convention last night"  and  "What exactly was that surprise from Donald Trump?  I guess I must have gone into the kitchen to get another bag of Cheese Doodles when that came on." 

Delegates and party officials will be interviewed by the lamestream media - but they will be so embarrassed by the fact that they can't remember anything that happened they will just go into their full spin mode, "I think Mitt Romney knocked it out of the park last night" and "Wasn't Ann Romney an inspiration when she rode up to the podium on Rafalca."

Wake up sheeple!  And keep your eyes peeled to your clocks!!!!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Science Lesson for Today

Congressman Todd Akin has gotten himself into a heap of trouble with feminists and other troublemakers over his recent well thought out explanation of the science of reproduction. Now, I'm not going to get into a discussion of  lady parts - I'll leave that to the experts at reputable news organizations like Fox &  Friends or the Playboy "Advisor" column. But I do want to offer some further evidence to support the Congressman's claim regarding the miracle of women's brains and their God-designed bodily fluid secretions.

For example, no matter how many times I attempt to pull the mattress covers onto my bed - I always end up with one end coming loose.  I have been amazed at how womenfolk are able to accomplish this feat in one simple, seemingly magic step. I understand that this is the result of the same type of specialized brain secretions that Akin is referring to.

Another example is their love for cats. I personally cannot imagine how anyone would permit one of these devious, Arabian originated pint sized Islamic terror creatures into one's house. But the lady folk go all googly eyed when they see a cute one, especially if it has kittens. That's all because of those very same brain fluids.

So before you go doubting Congressman Akin - go up to your bedroom and try to put the covers on your mattress without a female to help you. If you can do it - then go back down stairs and turn up the volume on your Barbara Streisand album and stop reading this blog!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

If Every American Was a Christian Conservative Tea Partier..

 1) There would be fewer regulations and a small business-friendly environment. It would be against the law not to smile at small business owners.

2) The richest Americans would have more money. A lot more! Robin Leech would have a job again, because "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" would be signed for a new season.

3) We'd have some form of a Balanced Budget Amendment to insure that we don't have a deficit or a debt. Unless of course we have a war, in which case it's ok to pile on more debt.

4) We'd have a much flatter, simpler tax code that you could fill out on a single sheet of paper. You'd still probably pay more taxes than a billionaire, but at least you would be done in a few minutes.

5) Welfare and food stamps would not exist. Poor people would be deported or shot.

6) Social Security would be privatized and invested on Wall Street. If you can't trust Wall Street with your money, who can you trust?

7) We'd still put some research money into alternative energy, but we'd also work to build a lot more nuclear power plants. There will be at least a dozen new TV shows about mutants. 

8) We'd have the same sort of "loser pays" legal system that’s practiced in much of the rest of the civilized world. If a big company wrongs you, you're screwed - but you'll have a much lower chance of getting jury duty.

9) There would be a lot less government workers and the ones we’d have would make almost nothing. You would be encouraged to mock them and they would have to take it without complaining.

10) Health care would be much cheaper and more efficient because you could buy insurance across state lines; Chances are nothing will be covered - but at least you'll get a free calendar every year.

11) The fence would be built, the border would be secure, anyone who overstayed his VISA would be tracked down and executed, especially the French.

12) Legal immigration would be faster, cheaper, and much more efficient. We'd also be selecting new American immigrants based on their singing voice and lightness of skin color.

13) English would be the national language, just like Jesus used.

14) The Supreme Court wouldn't go around making decisions that were against the conservative, small government principles of our founding fathers. Judges that become liberal or senile would be fired or deported. 

15) The crime rate would be so low because of the lack of criminals and the prevalence of guns that in much of the country, people wouldn't bother to lock their doors. As a safety measure everyone would wear bulletproof vests but they would come in many attractive styles and colors.

16) The death penalty would be applied much more liberally for less serious crimes and it wouldn't take 15 years of appeals to carry it out. In fact, police officers or citizens with guns could carry it out without the nuisance and expense of a trial.

17) All people would be welcome to practice their religious faith, except for Muslims, Jews and other weird cult like religions. Roe vs. Wade would be overturned and abortions would be illegal in all cases except for alien DNA injection.

18) Not only would there be no gay marriage, the TV show "Glee" would be taken off the air and never shown again.  Showtune music would also be banned, along with track lighting.

19) Children would be taught abstinence in school, having kids out of wedlock would be frowned upon unless you live in Alaska or have a reality TV show.

20) Kids would start out school with the Pledge of Allegiance, a daily prayer and target practice because it would be mandatory to bring a loaded gun to class.

21) We'd have school vouchers so that we could introduce competition into our school systems and ban subjects like science and math which introduce dangerous "critical thinking" that weakens society.

22) Universities, which are a hotbed for gay and lesbian terrorist recruitment would be closed.  Parents would be allowed to homeschool their children in either Christian or Military studies up to the PhD level.

23) Racism would practically be non-existent since most blacks and browns would be driven to other countries.

24) We'd have safe water, safe food, clean air, and a clean environment, but we'd put an end to the years of legal challenges to new building projects and people having their land declared a "wetland" because the ground gets soggy for a few days a year. The words "swamp", "flooding" and "climate" would be stricken from the english language.

25) There would be no public unions. Private unions would, of course, still exist, but no one would join them, because union members would need to wear pink armbands and submit to beatings by roving gangs of skinheads.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Reliable Source: Obama Almost Blew Bin Laden Raid

A highly credible, but anonymous source with close ties to the White House, who overheard part of a conversation between two Middle Eastern men having an argument in Arabic sign language has made a startling accusation of President Barack Hussain Nobama. In the hours leading up to the SEAL raid on Bin Laden's Pakistan hideout, the President and his team made no less than 23 prank phone calls to Osama.  "Half of these were Biden", who woke up Bin Laden 10 times telling him it was Amtrak and his Acela reservation was cancelled because his credit card was invalid.  Then Hillary Clinton, using an Indian accent almost convinced Bin Laden to switch his long distance service to AT&T.  The source says Bin Laden almost took the offer, but was concerned since it included cellphone service which he didn't use.

Finally Obama himself joined in on the fun with 'knock knock jokes':

Obama: Knock, knock
Bin Laden:  Who's there?
Obama: Ka
Bin Laden:  Ka who???
Obama:  Ka Boom!
Bin Laden:  For the love of Allah, please stop these calls, I need some sleep!

Obama also reportedly ordered the SEALS to identify themselves as Jehova's Witnesses when they stormed the compound.