Saturday, August 4, 2012

If Every American Was a Christian Conservative Tea Partier..

 1) There would be fewer regulations and a small business-friendly environment. It would be against the law not to smile at small business owners.

2) The richest Americans would have more money. A lot more! Robin Leech would have a job again, because "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" would be signed for a new season.

3) We'd have some form of a Balanced Budget Amendment to insure that we don't have a deficit or a debt. Unless of course we have a war, in which case it's ok to pile on more debt.

4) We'd have a much flatter, simpler tax code that you could fill out on a single sheet of paper. You'd still probably pay more taxes than a billionaire, but at least you would be done in a few minutes.

5) Welfare and food stamps would not exist. Poor people would be deported or shot.

6) Social Security would be privatized and invested on Wall Street. If you can't trust Wall Street with your money, who can you trust?

7) We'd still put some research money into alternative energy, but we'd also work to build a lot more nuclear power plants. There will be at least a dozen new TV shows about mutants. 

8) We'd have the same sort of "loser pays" legal system that’s practiced in much of the rest of the civilized world. If a big company wrongs you, you're screwed - but you'll have a much lower chance of getting jury duty.

9) There would be a lot less government workers and the ones we’d have would make almost nothing. You would be encouraged to mock them and they would have to take it without complaining.

10) Health care would be much cheaper and more efficient because you could buy insurance across state lines; Chances are nothing will be covered - but at least you'll get a free calendar every year.

11) The fence would be built, the border would be secure, anyone who overstayed his VISA would be tracked down and executed, especially the French.

12) Legal immigration would be faster, cheaper, and much more efficient. We'd also be selecting new American immigrants based on their singing voice and lightness of skin color.

13) English would be the national language, just like Jesus used.

14) The Supreme Court wouldn't go around making decisions that were against the conservative, small government principles of our founding fathers. Judges that become liberal or senile would be fired or deported. 

15) The crime rate would be so low because of the lack of criminals and the prevalence of guns that in much of the country, people wouldn't bother to lock their doors. As a safety measure everyone would wear bulletproof vests but they would come in many attractive styles and colors.

16) The death penalty would be applied much more liberally for less serious crimes and it wouldn't take 15 years of appeals to carry it out. In fact, police officers or citizens with guns could carry it out without the nuisance and expense of a trial.

17) All people would be welcome to practice their religious faith, except for Muslims, Jews and other weird cult like religions. Roe vs. Wade would be overturned and abortions would be illegal in all cases except for alien DNA injection.

18) Not only would there be no gay marriage, the TV show "Glee" would be taken off the air and never shown again.  Showtune music would also be banned, along with track lighting.

19) Children would be taught abstinence in school, having kids out of wedlock would be frowned upon unless you live in Alaska or have a reality TV show.

20) Kids would start out school with the Pledge of Allegiance, a daily prayer and target practice because it would be mandatory to bring a loaded gun to class.

21) We'd have school vouchers so that we could introduce competition into our school systems and ban subjects like science and math which introduce dangerous "critical thinking" that weakens society.

22) Universities, which are a hotbed for gay and lesbian terrorist recruitment would be closed.  Parents would be allowed to homeschool their children in either Christian or Military studies up to the PhD level.

23) Racism would practically be non-existent since most blacks and browns would be driven to other countries.

24) We'd have safe water, safe food, clean air, and a clean environment, but we'd put an end to the years of legal challenges to new building projects and people having their land declared a "wetland" because the ground gets soggy for a few days a year. The words "swamp", "flooding" and "climate" would be stricken from the english language.

25) There would be no public unions. Private unions would, of course, still exist, but no one would join them, because union members would need to wear pink armbands and submit to beatings by roving gangs of skinheads.

1 comment:

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